Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Dream a Little Big Dream With Me

"Let the size of your God determine the size of your goal." - Rick Warren

Another (super awesome and amazing) blogger sent me a link to a devotional this morning. I promise this is not a blog where I will try to convert you or claim one religion is better than another. We are all Addison's survivors and however and whomever helps you get through is a-o-k with me. 

But I couldn't help but share this quote. I've been thinking a lot lately (one activity that doesn't require too many spoons so one I do often!) and I've noticed a pattern in my life. Even before diagnosis, I often thought certain goals or dreams were just for another kind of person. What kind or whom I did not know, but certainly not me. 

I love storytelling and always have. Any form is fine - books, tv shows, movies - I love them all. But I never thought I could write books or tv shows or movies. That was for other people. Again, I have no idea what qualifications this "other" people had that I believed I didn't have, but I always felt like there was me and "them".

My thinking started to change when I started working in broadcast news as a production assistant. I saw people that looked and acted just like me, writing the news. Writing the words the anchors would read to our millions thousands of viewers! For the first time, I thought, "I can do that'. And I did. I quickly went from a PA to producing the weekend shows to producing the 5 pm show, the most watched show on our station.

But then, I started to think "I can't" again. I thought "I can't move up here". "I'm too young to become Executive Producer or News Director", I told myself. In retrospect, I could have gone for either job, and over time, I am confident I would have gotten them. 

Instead, I realized I had a bigger dream. I wanted to tell stories in more than 30 seconds. I wanted a job that didn't involve people screaming at each other on a regular basis (again, live TV). I didn't want a job where there could always be breaking news that would mean you had to cancel all your plans, regardless of what they were. I didn't want a job that expected someone to work every.single.holiday. 

So I moved to documentary film, where I quickly landed a job with one of the most respected directors in the field. I was lucky. While I mostly enjoyed this form of story-telling, the lack of a union and hence crazy work hours and demands started to wreak havoc on my health. 

And the thoughts of "I can't" came back. I can't possibly ever direct a documentary on my own. I can't get the funding, I can't find the free time to develop a proposal, I can't, I can't, I can't. It finally came down to "I can't get healthy and keep working in this field". 

That last one I was right about. 

Now that I am on my way to getting healthy (yes, I have been on my way for a few years now, but went un-diagnosed for almost 10 years so I'm at peace that this process will take awhile), I am finally able to dream big. I think it has a lot to do with balancing my brain, thyroid, and supplementing what my adrenals do not provide. 

When your body isn't working right, everything feels impossible. A load of laundry can feel like a huge accomplishment. I still have days where the laundry pile looks like Mount Everest. But the good days outnumber the bad and on those days, my goals and dreams are growing by leaps and lunges. 

I would re-write Rick Warren's line to say "Let the size of the universe determine the size of your goals". Dream without dimensions or limitations. 

The world has room for you too. 


An Addison Alien

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